My Questionable Parenting Skills

 

After years of  inept parenting, deplorable habits, abject laziness, and indulgence in mind rotting television, I have decided to take a parenting class to see if I can undo years of incompetence.  I mean, they ‘ve got a couple more years before they graduate and leave home.  It’s not too late, is it ?! 

The other night we were watching women’s Olympic  figure skating.  The top women all had such compelling stories that I really wanted to hear them and enjoy every bit of their performance. 

Previously, while watching men’s free style aerial skiing, we were sitting around chatting and joking and enjoying the show very casually.  Once the figure skating began – I was tuned in and serious.  I looked up from my laptop and paid close attention.

However, at the very moment that the coverage switched to figure skating, my 13 and 11-year-old girls started kidding around and joking in extra loud fashion.  First I blurted out  in frustration, “Will you two PLEASE keep it down so I can hear what’s going on!?” 

Instantly I realized that this approach was totally against the teachings I’d received at the parenting seminar.  I immediately re-phrased my outburst to ” I’m sorry, what I meant to say was please feel free to kid around loudly as soon as the skater finishes her routine.” 

Weird expressions crossed their faces and they shared quizzical glances before they fell back into mirth.  In response to their next outburst of loud happiness, I started loudly, “PLEASE BE – (then more quietly) I mean- feel free to…”  Their reply: “Why are you talking like that ?”  And then we all had a giggle. 

By the third outburst I finally mastered the correct verbage but we were all laughing so hard we started choking.  Then they started mocking me.  How did I become the butt of this joke?  They were like – “What’s with all the feel free stuff?”  At this point I looked both of them in the eye and shouted, “WILL THE TWO OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!!!”.  At this point we were all but rolling on the ground laughing.    Sigh…  Did anyone TiVo the figure skating so I can come see it at your house?  Will I be winning any parenting awards soon?  Guess not!